visiting aidan's peeps

Well, we met up with Shilo and Dan and the kids today in Astoria. Dan was good, Shilo was good, the kids were super rowdy and good. We ran into Mary (Dan's mom) at the Astoria market so grandma got to see the little man too. We grabbed some popcorn for the kids and took off to see the gang. We joked that they'd send Trinity out to greet us (like they did the first time we met) and Michael said he didn't think he'd recognize Trinity. I assured him, he'd recognize her- because she'd look the same. And she was the first one we saw and she did look the same. Shilo looked good- her hair is darker than before and she's not recovering from just having a baby- so all in all she looked great. Dan is the same and the boys are just bigger stair steps than they were during our last visit. We enjoyed the sun and the kids laughing and the dogs running around and the toys and the popcorn. It was a nice visit. I'm not sure what else to say about it. After it was over, I felt like I'd been holding my breath and was pretty stressed out. But, now I'm fine. I'm glad we did it. It just seemed unfathomable that Aidan would never see his family until he was an adult. Susan was right, it was easier that I ever thought it would be.
**Our visit brought on more dark thoughts for me. We didn't go in their apartment- at their request. They live in public housing and honestly, it just really brought me down. Shilo is working at a pizza place in town. Dan didn't say if he was working, and we didn't ask. I just feel so bad for them not having their baby (our baby) and frustrated that they are raising their children in the environment they are obviously choosing to live in. Shilo is 'trying' to home school the kids- but if she'd just send them to school, they could get breakfast and lunch and she'd only really have to worry about Sean (and Dan). Hmm. Did we 'save' Aidan? Do I feel like we need to 'save' Shilo now- or Trinity- or the other boys? We were never out to save anyone- we just wanted a baby. Shilo kept calling me mommy- and Aidan would call out for me when he felt he had ventured too far. On the way to their place, we practiced saying Hi Shilo- which little blondie did right on cue- so sweet. All the kids were great with the boys. And really, Dan was too. He gave Michael a nice note- thanking us for coming and for just being us- which was nice to hear. I'm so glad he didn't ask us for the things he had previously- that would have wrecked the meeting for me. The nice thing is, now we'll be able to share the photos and memories of the visit with Aidan. He won't be the kid that never got to see his birth family. Shilo told me four times how well we were raising A. The first time I said thank you. Then the second- after that it got a little uncomfortable for me. Was she convincing herself? Was she really happy for our family- now of four? I can only think she was just happy to see him again- healthy and growing, like we tell her in our letters. She did say it was funny to see what her kids would look like if they had hair- as she has a compulsion to shaving the boys heads in mohawks. Mary told us that they only get a couple of photos from William's family a year (Shilo and Dan's other son placed in an adoption) and that they are so happy with our letters and photo books. We'll keep it up (obviously) and maybe plan for another meeting in the future.